Idle worshipper.

That last sentence of that last post probably left a lasting fear that I would yet again step up to the blogger plate. Well, here I am. :D

Sadly, I'm not all that great at being a Christian. In fact, it was only a few years ago that I realized that I can't "be" a Christian, if that makes sense. If it doesn't, let me clarify:

"For by grace ye are saved through faith and this is not of yourselves. It is the gift of God. Not of works, lest any man should boast."

I'm sure that's not word perfect, but you can look it up in Ephesians 2:8-9. XD

That verse sums it up nicely. This life isn't about being a Christian. Works won't get me anywhere (sadly, I still struggle with this. Even after several years and an entire childhood) they're useful to show faith (as James said), but they won't save me. God already did that. Trying to get "there" myself not only belittles His sacrifice but shows a certain lack of faith. I'm working on it (see? I'm working on it. How funny/ annoying is that?)!

I'm fully convinced that this life is all about a relationship with Christ, and serving Him.

With that laid as a background, let me tell you a little bit about the title. I realized that I was, in fact, setting up my own little God. And if he didn't do what I wanted, I just explained it away.

Here's one way I know this:

"Lord, Please *insert something*, BUT let your will be done."

I wasn't praying that because I wanted God's will to be done. I was leaving him (not Him) a way out in case he didn't do what I wanted. "Well, God didn't get me a car/heal someone/give me wisdom. Guess that wasn't his will."

In the span of things, God will, WILL be done. Time is laid out before Him like a book. So if someone didn't get healed/didn't get a car/whatevs...that was His will. Because what I think isn't always the best option. God has reasons for me not having a car, just as He has reasons for not healing someone. It's a matter of trust. Trusting that God's will is truly best. It's also a matter of respect. God is God. He's infinite, Omniscient, ETC. And as a perfectly holy, always right, infinite being, He has absolute authority to decree what goes on.

He's also infinitely loving...

So you see the problem here. I'm assuming that my best option is THE best option, and using God's will as a way to make a place for the negative option (not healing, not car getting, not wisdom-ing) or in case nothing happens.

It's arrogant, really. I'm a limited being. To put it in a cool way, I'm a piece of light inside a meatbag with a timer attached. Timer goes out, meatbag dies, decays. But the light goes onward. So why should I think that I could have the best option?

I still struggle with this; that death could be God's will. It's hard for me to comprehend that death could be the best option. And so when I pray that someone will be healed, it's with the fear that if God doesn't heal them, death is coming. AKA: God's will is the negative, pain bringing, WORST CASE SCENARIO option.

And this too, shows my lack of faith and totality of fear. After all, Jesus conquered death, didn't He? God did create time, right?

So, am I:

A) Showing a lack of faith (which is what fear is).
B) Asserting my will over God's as best option (arrogance).
C) Leaving God plenty of room to fail, while still having Him exist (doubt.)
D) All of the above.

Yep. Answers D. And that fact shook me when I learned it. Did I really just give GOD a scapegoat? The words "Oh ye of little faith. Why did you doubt?" rang in my head. I had no reason too doubt Him. So why was I? Why was I perpetually giving God room to fail me, instead of just truly praying for His will, and NOT mine be done?

So I'm trying something new. I'm still praying to God to heal people, and that He will bring me a job. But when I say, "Your will be done" I mean just that. "Lord, your holy, perfect, timeless, all knowing, best interest having will be done." Not "Lord, here's what I need, here's what's best. Please do it. But if you don't, that's K' Wasn't Your will. I'll call back later."

Because God always answers prayer. Sometimes it's with a "yes", sometimes a "no". Sometimes a "not now". Or a hundred other replies. He's not a magic 8-ball. :D So when I pray for God's will, I have to place my trust in Him that His will be done, and not mine. Not only that, but that His will is best, and that He will take care of me/you/us. He promised us this. His love, His guidance, His care, His support...if we follow Him, all these things.

This post was rather disjointed, I realize. It's because the topic is rather slippery for me to hold on to. That's partially why I'm writing it down; to REMEMBER.

I've got so much to be taught. It's apparent that going by my own self isn't going to get me very far. XD But that's alright...Because that timer I mentioned? It was set by God. And that place I told you about? Built by a professional carpenter. XD

As usual, drop a comment to comment, correct, call me George, or send me Money from some Prince in Nigeria.

Take the leap of faith, Indy!

Possibly my favorite part of that movie. I actually used to jump off stuff and pretend I was landing on an invisible bridge...And the times I remember that, I'm eternally grateful I made it through high school.

At any rate, my snake has been sick this week. My fault again...that's an issue with snakes. 90 odd percent of the problems they have are caused by the environment. AKA: The owner. XD With a dog, you can say "Hey. You ate that". With a snake it's like, "Um...sorry man. MAH BAD." -_-

At any rate, there came a point where I was so tired, worried sick, and just plain meh...the only thing I could do was put it in God's hands. But then I hesitated...could I do that? Admit that the only thing I knew to do was pray? Trust in Him to make it right?

I had/have trouble with that. To sum it up, I'll quote one of my favorite books:

"I can objectively, but can I sincerely?"

Oddly, Brennen was in a similar situation. He had to trust God to care for one in his life he loved.

Kind of funny really, to trust God with my salvation from eternal damnation, but wonder if he can take care of a baby snake. Funny in a "that's not funny man," kind of way.

So I tried my hardest to place it in God's hands. And you know what? Baby snake didn't eat his meal. But the next day, I talked to a friend who knows snakes. He said I may have the cage a bit hot, and after I lowered the temp, Baby seemed to be doing better. And he's been getting better since. Not because of me, or my friend, but God.

And once again, I learned that my option is not always God's will. Which is for another post, I think.

Mind games.

Chug the Pepsi!

Now that the important stuff is out of the way, can I tell about an experience I had earlier?

OK, no one said no in that awkward silence.

I was riding in the car with my Dad, and out of the blue, he says "Sometime, I would like to see inside your mind. Know how it works."

Nothing could be more horrifying to me. I'd rather stand nude in front of a crowd. That, they could forget...the stuff that goes on in my mind...that I am ashamed of.

So I expressed my disgust and vehemence the following way "...Nah."

So yeah. I honestly think people would hate me if they could see in my mind. It's not like I walk around thinking of evil/dirty thoughts. Just the random stuff that pops in my head that I have to push away. I hope you understand what I'm talking about, as I would hate to be alone in this.

Anyway, it hit me hard as I sat there: GOD KNOWS EVERYTHING IN MY MIND. And...He loves me still. Not only loves me, but wants to be with me. Wants me to be with Him. Not just for awhile, but for forever.

Knowing all that goes on in my head, all the terrible thoughts, selfish ideas, ETC...He still decided to give His Perfect, clean, Holy, Son up in my place. The son that never let's Him down. The Son that never failed in His life. The Son that was wiling to die in a most horrible way for all people. He gave him up for me. And you. Everyone on this planet that fails and falls short (AKA: All of us).

That's...mind blowing. The amount of love...words cannot describe it.

Storm bringer.

Hmm...I get the feeling a storm is brewing in my life. I'm no seer, to be sure. But it's like the feeling that I have about this year bringing change. the odd thing, it doesn't bring fear, but excitement. It doesn't seem like a bad thing, either. It's not ominous...more...like coming to the apex of a roller coaster.

Odd. But cool. Plus, spicy barbecue sauce.

Like pieces of the sun, our lives burn on and on and on.

I'm willing to shine on. ^_^

House of Heroes. Yet quite appropriate.

This past weekend, I spent my days over at my Cousins house. I learned...a lot. Too much to put down. But here are some of the tidbits.

1) God always answer's prayers. And He always answers them according to His will. However, what we think is the best option, is not always what truly is.

2) Sometimes, being with someone is enough. No actions are required. I didn't need to hang out at a theme park, or go to the movies to enjoy being with my cousins. On fact, some of the best time I remember was as I was going to sleep, chatting with "Jim".

3) The Lords prayer is amazing. But mindlessly repeating it was not what Jesus had in mind when He gave it to us. And He did give it to us. That prayer contains petitions for the past, present and future. Food, forgiveness. It's awesome.

4) I'm an idiot. I knew this already. But this weekend cemented it.

5) Sometimes, making something pariah intensifies the feelings surrounding it. Nebulous and vague...yet understandable, I think.

6) The heart is a problem in churches. Does the building cause the majority of problems? Nope. How about the Bible? Sorry. The problem is, as usual, you/me/us. The heart of a human...It's a dark place.

7) Despite what many modern theologists would say, a spiritual war is happening...and do we really consider all that means? In a war, you can get killed, maimed, wounded. The enemy doesn't give a rip how they win, as long as they win...diplomacy, savagery, stealth. Theses tactics come against us everyday. Not only that, but our actions, my actions, could cause the death of another.

I'm writing this down not only to share, but also to remember. Please drop your insights as to what I've learned. If you wish.

When we last left our hero...

The Chozon1 was backed into a corner. He'd openly let the cyber virus hit him several times, not knowing the damaging effects it would have. Then, as it raised it's weapon, the supervisor stepped in and shielded the "hero" from the devastating final blast.

Couldn't leave that post as the last one for a week. Wouldn't have been fitting.

I'm discovering this place is a good place to hold myself accountable too. Or at least, a good place to talk about how I feel about chips (corn is OK, not a big fan of potato).

Also, I wonder...would it be cliche` if I started railing against myself? Probably. But at least I'm not cliche`. Not in a definitive sense. Big picture, maybe.

How about the Lincoln monument? It's...big sculpture of a sitting man...But hey, he's wearing clothes! *glares at Renaissance artists*

Failure.

Bah. Continued failure. You know that tiny voice in your head that says it's fine to do stuff? I've learned first hand that it's probably a bad idea to listen. Frankly, I had a long detailed post written out about how exactly I'd failed...but I deleted it. Too much revealing stuff, not to mention I doubt it needs be said.

The point of this? You can rationalize anything...I've "preached" to others how "Many Christians care, few choose to remain caring when it comes to the content they let in their mind".

Bah. I could spit on myself. I'm learning day by day that there is usually more than two answers to a situation. Take the above for example. I didn't choose to not care. At no point did I say "To heck with my morality". I rationalized myself into it slowly, talking it over thoroughly in my mind, even as I stepped further into darkness.

Bah. I wish someone would slap me. I know God forgives me, and thankfully I was the only one hurt in this particular situation. And not even to a "serious" level...but I hate not realizing this until after the fact. I failed big time.

6 days

Into the new year, and it's not very different from the old. At least not in any tangible way. I've got a nebulous feeling that something will change though. Soon, I hope. I'm looking into earning enough cash to get a car, to get a "real" job at Mac D's or sommat. Then again, if I find a source of income to the point where I can afford a car, why would I want to get a "real" job?

Aside from the other reasons I made to get a job, I also want to upgrade my guitar equipment. Get some real pedals, and an amp capable of shattering ear drums, windows, and the hopes of my parents. XD

Actually, they've been nothing but supportive of my musical endeavors. Except for the occasional "Stop playing games and guitar and wasting your life" speech's. That obviously...were not effective. :D

This year, I hope and pray, is going to be much different than the last 19. I'ma be twenty this year. XD That'll be odd.